Fashion mistakes men must stop making before turning 33

Since it's style month here at Stag Company HQ, I decided to ask all the lovely ladies in the office what fashion faux pas men should stop committing before 33. Below is the complete list given by my female coworkers. Enjoy (and take note lads!)

Sweat pants worn outside of the house

Unless you are going to go buy milk from your local corner shop or you’re walking to your car from an intense and hot session doing gym or sport - there is no excuse for doing this. It’s lazy and unless you’re trying to pull a Vicky Pollard from the council estate tower block, no respectable woman will give you a look – let alone her number.

Cargo shorts/trousers

Are you going fishing? Are you a builder/plumber who needs tool storing space? Climbing a mountain? Are you a part of Desert Storm? No? Then you don’t need to be wearing cargo anything. Nobody needs that many pockets to put stuff in. You especially don’t need the type of cargo trousers that unzips at the knee and turns into a pair of shorts.

Waist coats worn over t-shirts

Ring, ring. Hello? The 90’s? You want your look back? Sure thing: nobody past 30 should be rocking this look anymore. It hasn’t been a good look on anyone since Jordan Knight and even then he was pushing it. Don’t do this to yourself and don’t do it to the rest of us: life is painful enough without this happening to your wardrobe.

Black make up

Black nails. Guyliner. If you’re in a rock band, then sure –go for it. If you’re not then… why? Why do you want to look like sad, adult emo kid who writes poetry about his broken, bleeding heart in his Hot Topic notebook?

Jorts

Jorts, aka jean shorts. These can be short like female Daisy Dukes or long, ending below the knee like Kimp Bizkit back in the day. Regardless of the length, these things are horrible and shouldn’t be seen on a man over the age of 33 – unless he’s doing it as a joke. Over the years though this style of short has been adopted by hipsters  who convince themselves they are either being really “edgy” or “ironic.”

Caps worn backwards

Unless you are a skater, a rapper or an actual gangster. Don’t do this. Because hardly anyone outside of those circles actually thinks it’s cool.

Tacky t-shirts

FBI – "female body inspector" and such t-shirts should be globally gathered and flung to the farthest reaches of hell. Men who wear these t-shirts are either on a stag do or are asking to have their photos secretly submitted to Buzzfeed so the internet can laugh at them.

Designer whore anything

Is that shirt Gucci? How could I tell? Well, the t-shirt only has the logo repeated on it 123 TIMES.  We get it. You spent a lot of money on some clothing. The truth is nobody cares, and on the off chance that we do care; we don’t actually need to be told 123 times.

Wearing ugly, sh*t shoes

You’re over 30. You should at least have a pair of smart shoes that didn’t come from the Clarks’ outlet store. You should also stop wearing bright, neon trainers unless you’re really, really stylish. You're a grown a** man, not a man child.

Skinny jeans and … when you’re not skinny

I hear men joking about girls who do this and yet I sometimes think they forget that this also applies to them. If you’re not a skinny man (or at least a man with slender legs) you shouldn’t wear skinny jeans. Contrary to popular belief they do not make you look skinnier. They just highlight disproportionate legs. Plus if you’re not a skinny man, and you’re “blessed “with a big package then squashing them just makes it look like you had a tiny woodland creature stuff nuts in your pants.

Socks and sandals

This just goes without saying. In fact, no man should be doing this until he’s 70.

One earring

Because that one cubic zirconium, square cut, earring really makes everyone think you’re a “baller” and not actually a creep who lurks around Claire’s accessories at all.

Alice bands

Not even David Beckham could make these cool and he tried so hard.

Cheap jewellery

I’m sorry but much like the horrendous cubic zirconium earring, sh*t bling should not have a place in your life. You’re older, wiser and more stylish now. You should only be wearing stuff that enhances that, not contradicts it.

Other things you shouldn’t be wearing…

• Duster coats
• Football shirts outside of a match
• Nu rock boots
• Air brush wolf howling at a Celtic cross t-shirts