How To Deal With Cold Feet

You’ve jumped through hoops her dad has set. Survived her mum’s carb heavy food, endured cocktails with her friends and been given the thumbs up from her indifferent brother. You’ve done everything you were supposed to do before proposing to your sweetie. You got on one knee, you practically bankrupted yourself buying her a ring and (thankfully) she said yes. Brilliant! It’s all going to plan and you can’t wait to say “I do” to “till death do us part.” You’re practically shaking with exci… actually why are you shaking so much? Oh and what’s with the excessive sweating?? You’re looking forward to getting married… right? Right?? If your answer is “I dunno” or “I’m not sure” then you my friend, have a case of “cold feet”. Don’t panic: it’s not fatal (unless you’re fiancé finds out – then it might be) but the feeling needs to be addressed before you do something you’ll regret (read into that how you will).

Think about why you’re getting married

I know that sounds silly, but it’s important. Because if you see the institution of marriage as “unnecessary” and you simply asked her because you felt pressured, then it’s really no wonder you’re getting nervous about it. If that’s not the case, try and remind yourself why you’re getting married to this person and why they’re so special. She must be pretty exceptional right? (Even if she’s become a bit crazy with the wedding planning.) You must have thought she was unique and irreplaceable enough to share your life with at one point. “For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health” remember? Don’t let weak fear destroy something that could be incredibly strong.

Write down your fears

Still nervous? O.K. as a writer (and as a person) I find that writing stuff down in a list helps to focus a situation. Do this by hand because it makes all the difference. Writing it manually has more of a psychological impact than typing (or so we’ve heard.) Once you’ve done this, read your list and maybe you’ll see that what you’re worried about isn’t really that bad.

Think of solutions

Unless of course writing it down has just filled you with more panic, in which case - don’t panic. Read your list again and try to think of solutions to each fear. Write them down below or next to the fear in question. Hopefully, once you’ve done that the fear itself won’t seem so bad when there’s a solution next to it.

Take a break from the situation

You’ve written a list, you’ve jotted down some fixes but you’re still feeling uneasy. Chances are its being surrounded by all the chaos of the planning. Best thing to do? Remove yourself from the stressful situation temporarily. Go away with a good mate/close sibling and just have a stress free time away from all the matrimonial mania. You may find it’s just the thing you need and may reset your vibes.

Talk to your fiancé

The last thing you probably want to do I know. However, talking to your fiancé might actually be the one thing that actually sets your mind (and heart) at ease. She is after all, going to be the person you spend the rest of your life with. When talking to her about this I suggest trying avoiding sayings like “you make me…” or “I just think you…” In fact don’t make it about her in anyway, even if she’s driving you nuts. You should be using phrases like “I feel…” that way she won’t feel like she’s being blamed or attacked and she’ll be more receptive to what you have to say.

Seek external help

Many couples actually attend therapy: it’s not unusual. The stresses of modern life can get on top of everyone. Add the pressure of having a “Pinterest perfect” wedding to that equation and no wonder so many people feel like throwing in the towel. If you’ve tried all of the above and it hasn’t helped then contact Relate counselling. They are a relationship charity and it’s their job to help couples get through tough times.

Always look on the bright side

Last but not least, try and be positive throughout the entire thing: being pessimistic and negative really doesn't help anyone, and it can actually feed into and make situations a lot worse. So if you’re feeling nervous about marrying your sweetie then try and be positive that you’re going to fix the issue. However, if you (sadly) feel like you can’t remove the feeling and you don’t want to go through with it, then try and be positive - regardless of what happens because it really will be OK.